How can you have a personal commitment to your new-found family life?
Let’s say that now you are married, the honeymoon is over, life is back to the normal daily routines and reality and sunk in. Maybe you’ve already had a child or two and life is probably busy. Not only is it busy but maybe you feel it’s a little to predictable, to mundane? Let’s talk about how to keep committed when it may be a bit harder than you thought.
I had a family member who married, then had two children and after about 5 years divorced. When speaking to him about his reason for divorce he said, “she (his now ex-wife) wasn’t fun anymore. We really didn’t do anything together, we lost interest in each other and it got to the point where I didn’t look forward to coming home from work so one day I just stopped. I stopped being committed, I stopped loving her and I stopped wanting to be a husband. I wanted to have fun. I was young and I felt like I was missing out on living it up in my 20’s. I thought there was more out there and I wanted to experience it all.” This family member went on to say that had he understood the consequences of his actions and the future costs, both temporally and spiritually, he probably would have sought help to get over the hurdles in his personal life and marriage.
I think it’s safe to assume that most marriages experience times of so called “fun” and long stretches where everyone is just trying to survive. How do we get through those surviving stretches without giving up? I think it begins with faith.
Faith that you and your wife and the family you have created are apart of a bigger picture, a bigger plan. Faith in your ability to change the way you might be viewing your life and marriage. If you are struggling, have real conversation with your spouse. Not one that says, “We haven’t gone on a date in a while. Let’s go out this weekend” and expect a single date to fix things. If you notice your spouse seems distant from you, ask what’s going on and then just listen. Simply listen. Don’t defend yourself or make excuses if she or he makes it sound like you’re the problem. Understand that it takes humility and being brave to really open up to someone and pour out your heart.
Maybe things are beyond your control. If this is the case seek counseling from a professional or spiritual leader. Ask for support, love and prayers from family members. You don’t have to give all the nitty, gritty details of your problems to your family members, but you can simply ask for them to be patient with you and love you through your growing process.
Take a few steps back in your marriage and rediscover what you had in common in the first place. Was it religion? Was it individual interests? Was it politics? How about educational goals? Think about what it was and have simple conversations about the topic you both love. Then grow from there. Allow those mutual interests to serve you both once again. Life isn’t about one big party all the time. It’s about these small little moments that add up to something grand. Something that fills in the big picture.
Most importantly, don’t run away from your spouse. Swallow your pride and run towards them. Make an effort to kiss each other each day. Serve each other each day. Show excitement when your spouse comes home from work. Have faith that God is cheering you on. He wants you to succeed. He wants your marriage to be a blessing in your life. He wants to help you. Don’t loose faith. Recommit yourself to making the marriage work, even if in the beginning you are the only one putting forth any effort. It’ll be worth the sacrifice in the end.
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