How to Prepare For Marriage

Just as God intended, we were born either as a male or female. In The Family- A Proclamation To The World, a document written and endorsed by the first presidency and council of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we learn that; "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In order to understand the purpose and role of the male and female in marriage we first must understand the divinity that each role plays. This is part of the process in preparing for marriage. So sit back, relax and lets learn together how we can prepare ourselves for the greatest eternal adventure that we will begin here in mortality.

The idea of marriage today is different that it was 100, 50 or even 20 years ago. For some people marriage might be optional. Maybe they feel marriage would hold them back from being who they really are. Some people might feel that marriage is too risky- people change and they could feel that their spouse will change over time, thus becoming someone they are no longer compatible with. It could be that the example they saw of their parents marriage was less than ideal and they don't want to experience those same heartaches. Allow me to expound on ways to avoid potential problems such as these. 

First off, no marriage is perfectly perfect. Well, nothing in life is really perfect but we can constantly be striving to create something better than what we already have. Let me tell you some misconceptions about how to get ready for marriage. Following are some do's and don'ts of marriage preparation- okay these are the don'ts- we'll discuss the do's a little later. Don't buy into the way of thinking that divorce if an easy option if the marriage doesn't works out. Don't think you have to have it all (i.e. completed education, perfect job, house, car, debt free) before you get married. Don't live with the person you are considering marrying- the statistics prove it's not a good idea and finally don't just hang out to hook up. Learn what it truly means to court someone.

In the book Successful Marriages and Families by editors Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite and Thomas W. Draper we learn that "Marriage...is ordained of God...God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife...Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan." If something is so important to God it should be important to us. Not to mention that if marriage is so important to God, He will provide a way for us to succeed if we do our part to prepare for such an important decision.

Let's get back to ways in which to prepare for marriage. First off stop hanging out and start to actually court or date. Date lots of people so you get to know lots of different personalities. Work on yourself to become attractive to someone else. Take ownership of your choices and take care of yourself. This will help to make you more attractive to someone of the opposite sex. Learn to communicate and communicate clearly. Learn how to love and how to be loved. Seek help from outside sources if necessary to help you achieve these things. Use your time now to prepare to financially support a family. Attend school and look for work opportunities that will give you experience in a choice career. Have clear and realistic expectations of the type of person you want to marry.

Above all else, I urge you to follow the counsel of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He stated, "Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril."

In the words of my grandfather, "Think about the type of person you would want to marry and then become the person someone like that would be attracted to." 

What makes a successful serious relationship?

So we've discussed ways in which you can prepare for marriage. Let's take a few minutes to learn the basics of serious relationships and what makes them successful.

Knowing whom to date and when is important, for dating leads to the biggest decision of your life. "President Thomas S. Monson, speaking of his decision to ask his future wife for a date, said, "That decision, I believe, was perhaps the most important decision that I have ever made," Speaking of the marraige decision, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry." (Hawkins, et al.) Before you can make this most important decision you first have to learn how to have a successful serious relationship.

It takes faith to move forward and leave the past in the past. If you have hesitation about marriage or serious relationships find out where that hesitation is coming from. Ask yourself these questions- Have I been hurt in a past relationship? Have I learned to not be able to trust? Have I seen to many examples of failed marriages? Am I scared to commit? These and other poignant questions can help you come to grips with any personal issues you may have and then you can work on solving them before bringing baggage into a relationship. The best person to start addressing some of these hard questions is your Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through the His atonement that wrongs can be made right. It is through the atonement that you can heal and change. It will take effort, sometimes tremendous effort, and humility on your part but if the changes that take place prepare you for a better eternal companion it is all worth it in the end.

Lets start from the beginning. To begin a relationship first you have to meet someone. Take time to get to know the person you are interested in. Learn their likes and dislikes and see if you have things in common. If at first glance you appear to be a good match it is probably time to transition to the build-up stage. This is where an official date comes in. According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks, the following three things define a date, "planned ahead, paid for (by the man), and paired off." These dates are where official relationships begin. This is a good thing!


If after a few "official dates" things are looking good you can assess the health of the new relationship by understanding whether it is immature or mature love. According to the book Successful Marriages and Families, there are different characteristics that help a person understand healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Immature or unhealthy relationships who promote feelings of possessiveness, jealousy, infatuation, preoccupation and anxiety. The behaviors of each individual might consist of selfishness, lust, clinging, over-dependent and demanding obedience form the partner. Does sound like a very pleasant relationship, does it?

Now compare those traits with the following traits of a mature or healthy relationship. In a mature relationship you would find lasting passion for the other person, a desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment. You would understand that loves means, commitment, trust, sharing and sacrifice. All of these feelings and emotions would create an opportunity for positive growth and development. This sounds like a much more stable relationship in which to preside.

If you're in a relationship now and it could be described using the words from the list of unhealthy relationships I would invite you to reassess the purpose of the relationship, use your communication skills to express your feelings and concerns and if it's better to end it and move on the sooner it's done the better. "If it is right to break off a relationship, how can that be done so as to cause the least hurt? The family proclamation principles that lead to successful marriages can be applied to relationships that do not proceed to marriage; the principles of prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, and work seem especially appropriate." (Hawkins et al.)


Keep your goal for an eternal marriage in mind. You cannot obtain that eternal plan for yourself by staying in a relationship that you know is not going to lead you to your eternal spouse. Continue to date. Pray for guidance in your dating decisions and allow the Lord to work through you in finding that future eternal spouse.

Creating a strong foundation for marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball stated, "While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

Marriage is not perfect, nor was it ever intended to be. However, there are some fundamental processes that can be learned to create a strong foundation for marriage.

John Gottman who is a leader in understanding marriages and who has done the research with thousands of couples to figure out why some marriages last while others dissolve taught some basic principles of successful marriages. Gottman taught that couples are best off when they are friends first. This builds trust and understanding prior to romantic feelings. Become friends with a future significant other first. Learn to enjoy their personality and learn how to have fun together before anything too serious arises.

Another great piece of information when trying to build a solid marriage foundation is to understand what a covenant marriage is. Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the seventy taught, "When trouble comes, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. they marry to obtain benefits and will stay on ly as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to five and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other." Understanding this concept will ensure a solid foundation in your marriage.

Learning to be completely dedicated to the Lord, your spouse and your covenants will take work. It takes preparation now if you haven't married and if you are already married it will take humility because it involves changing. Some traits that most of us need to work on with ourselves is learning patience. Patience with others, especially our spouses. It wouldn't hurt to master communication skills that will help to resolves differences in a healthy manner. Learning to listen, truly listen can go a long way in any relationship but especially a marital one. Another way to build that strong foundation is to commit to courting your spouse even after marriage. The dating and fun times don't have to stop. In all essence, this is when the fun beings.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught, "The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life or occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." Another important concept to building a lasting bond.

Your marriage is not something that can ever be taken for granted. It is your commitment, your covenant. It is yours for eternity- treat it as such.

What is Equality in Marriage?

What is equality? Are men and women supposed to be equal?  Does being equal mean we’re identical? Finally, when is it okay for men and women to accept their differences?

There are obvious traits that men and women possess that make them physically different. Our physical bodies are built different and for good reason. In The Family- A Proclamation to the World we learn that “All human beings-male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” From this statement we learn that our gender was apart of us long before we came to this earth and it will remain with us when we pass into the eternities. 

Each gender has roles and responsibilities that come more naturally to them. It is our privilege to learn, grow and master those roles as we experience mortality. Gender began here on earth with Adam and Eve. The bible teaches that Eve was to be a “helpmeet” to Adam. Does this mean Adam was in charge and Eve was supposed to serve as his servant or inferior? I don’t think it does. When you look at the word helpmeet it actually means someone who is a companion or equal to us. When I think of companion I think of a equal partner who is there to offer sustaining and support in a particular companionship. If we truly understand the term “helpmeet” we can bring this term into our marriage and allow it to serve us in our relationship. 

I’ve been married for over seventeen years. I am not a formal marriage counselor nor does 17 years of marriage give me the authority to say how your marriage should be but there are a few things I have learned along the way. 

I’ve learned that an equal partnership does not mean that both spouses have to be the same. I don’t want to be my husband and he doesn’t want to be me. This is a good thing. I also don’t feel that I have to make the same amount of money my husband makes. Nor should he make the same that I make. I think we should be rewarded according to our education, experience and work ethic no matter what field we choose to go into. There is not a job here at home that he feels he is exempt from preforming because he is simply a man. Nor is there a job I refuse to do because I am a female. However, I don’t like to kill bugs and I am more than happy to call on him for that when needed. If I did need to kill a bug I would and if he needed to empty the dishwasher he would. Equality in marriage is about mutual respect for one another. It’s about accepting that you each are different with different talents and capabilities. It’s embracing these differences not competing against them. When this is accomplished the sacred role of a man and woman in marriage is exemplified.  

Divorce and the Lasting Implications on all Family Members

I think it’s safe to assume that everyone knows of someone who has been affected by divorce. I was privileged enough to grow up in a home where my parents remained married for the extent of my childhood. However, about six months after my own marriage my parents mutually agreed that they did not have much in common anymore and there lives had gone in directions different enough to merit dissolving the marriage. I knew my parents marriage wasn't perfect but I never expected that they would call it quits after 25+ years of marriage. 

In regards to marriage the Lord taught, “But from the beginning of the creation of God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9). The Lord made it clear of His exceptions of a married man and woman. I think cleaving goes both ways, just as a man needs to leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, the wife needs to do the same. She needs to be willing to cut the apron strings and stick by he side of her husband. A scriptural account of this is found in Moses. Because Eve partook of the fruit she would have to leave the Garden of Eden. This act would leave Adam alone, without a helpmeet in that garden. The Lord commanded Adam and Eve to remain together despite Eve’s choice. Thus setting the example of the need for us to work out the problems in our own marriage. 

With that being said President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “There is now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague amines us is not of God.”  Elder Dallin H. Oaks commented on divorce saying, “Because of the hardness of our hearts, the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced persons to marry again.” In addition Elder Oaks taught that, “when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it.” Can there be “just cause” to end a marriage, a temple covenant? If so, what is considered “just cause”?

Elder James E. Faust said, “In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant. Over a lifetime of dealing with humans problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to definitely state what is “just cause.” Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious that a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.” 

Non of us have the ability to judge a couples reason for divorce. However, if this is something you are seriously contemplating, I would suggest you seek help from professionals in trying to save your marriage. Which ever you decide, the implications of your choice can last for generations. 

I do not have the authority or right to judge my parents decision to divorce. However, I know from a child’s standpoint the effect in can have on children, no matter the age. A covenant is not something to be taken lightly. Making and keeping the covenant comes with promised blessings. Breaking the covenant comes with promised consequences. May you be in a place worthy of receiving spiritual guidance on such decisions. 

Staying True to Your Covenants After Marriage

Let’s face it, no marriage is perfect. No matter how smart or righteous you think you or your spouse is you going to have trouble more than once throughout your marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point in your married life you question your decision on why you married this person in the first place. Let me begin this post by sharing a sacred experience I had long ago. 

Let me take you back to March of 1999. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a short time period (about 4 months) and everything was going great. We had a lot in common, we laughed a ton and tried hard to spend every available moment together. Changes were coming up though and we needed to see if this relationship needed to become more serious or if it was best to part ways. I was only eighteen at the time and was still in my first year of college so I knew I had a lot of time to settle down. However, my boyfriend was finished with his mission and looking to move on to the next stage in life which was marriage. I knew I loved him, I could see myself with him in the future but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to settle down and move towards marriage. He was leaving the area we were living in to continue his schooling and this would put us in a place of a long distance relationship which neither of us were interested in doing. We decided to pray about whether or not we should marry. We each took sometime to ourselves to contemplate this decision. My contemplation consisted of pondering, fasting and finally prayer while his consisted of some of the same things along with temple attendance. We agreed that we would meet back up together in a few days to discuss our personal feelings. I knew this was probably the most important decision I would make in my life, thus I didn’t take it lightly. After a long day of fasting and pondering I knelt down by my bed side and prayed that if I was to marry this person the Lord would give me a clear and distinct answer. An answer that I would never have to question. My life was changed that night. I knew for a fact that Brandon was indeed who I should marry. The answer was clear as day and came immediately after my prayer was ended. There was no denying what I had felt. This answer would prove to be a blessing for years to come. 

Despite being true in our desire to marry and have a successful marriage how do we continue on to stay true to our covenants after the marriage is over and reality has settled in?  We know the statistics on marriage and sometimes they are grim. We knew that temptations arise in marriage and that too often sacred covenants are broken for many different reasons. We knew that infidelity in marriage occurs. Elder Richard G. Scott warned, “Intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside of marriage because they undermine His purposes. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm.” Not only does infidelity play a huge part in divorce but it also has a traumatic impact on the spouse and family. Infidelity also serves as a public health issue, spreading sexually transmitted diseases. Infidelity can be due to choices in viewing pornography, objectification of the opposite sex, overemphasizing the visual perspective of what our spouse should look like, and overemphasizing what our marital sex life should be like.  If you struggle with any of these things that could lead to infidelity, I highly encourage you to seek professional and spiritual help before it becomes out of control and your family ends up suffering unnecessary consequences. 

Let’s discuss ways to stay true to your covenants. May I suggest that first you set boundaries for yourself in the work place and where you spend your time socially. Know what is appropriate and what is not. If you feel like you can’t tell your spouse who you’re confiding in or spending your time with then that is probably a red flag. Keep the flirting to just your spouse. Become accountable for your actions and takes step to correct behaviors if necessary. Build a bank account of trust with your spouse and strive to strictly only make deposits in this account- no withdrawals. Offer both repentance and forgiveness if necessary. Finally date your spouse regularly. Focus on the positive things about your spouse, offer patience and gratitude for who they are and don’t give up on each other. 

During hard times in my own marriage I have had to go back to that sacred night when my answer was in the affirmative when asking if Brandon was the right person to marry. I have had to rely on that answer to get me though tough times. I will be eternally grateful to my Savior and the Holy Ghost for that sacred conformation.   

Why Are Temple Covenants Important and What Role do They Play in a Marriage?

Being worthy to marry in the temple is no small feat. It takes a life time of preparation, sacrifice, repentance and endurance to be worthy to be sealed for eternity in one of God’s holy temples. Being sealed enables a couple to be bound to each other not only during this life but into the eternities. 

First off, please understand that a temple marriage does not equal a perfect marriage. There is no “perfect marriage”. It is through the institution of marriage that offers each spouse the ability to learn Christlike attributes as they humble themselves, give of their time unselfishly, show compassion towards their spouse and so forth. A temple marriage does not guarantee a perfect family either. It cannot guarantee perfect children or a sorrow free mortal experience. What it can guarantee is hope. In speaking of raising children who have been born under the temple covenant, the prophet Joseph Smith stated, “when a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” Elder Orson F. Whitney taught, “The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were His before they were yours - long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fullness of knowledge brings the fullness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.”

While we cannot control the choices our spouse may make or the choices of our children, we can control how we react to those choices. We can also control our personal commitment to keep the sacred temple covenants we make ourselves. Elder Todd D. Christofferson said, “I urge each one to qualify for and receive all the priesthood ordinances you can and then faithfully keep the promises you have made by covenant. In times of distress, let your covenants be paramount and let your obedience be exact. Then you can ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you saying, “Here am I.” What a great blessing our temple covenants can be if you choose to remain worthy of those blessings. 

In my own life I have been blessed with the knowledge and empowered with grace which has allowed to call down the powers of heaven to help me through trials with my spouse and children. I have firm faith and belief that as I continue to make sure that keeping my covenants is paramount in my life, I will be endowed with the ability to have love and compassion towards my family as I watch them navigate through their mortal life. I know some of their choices will not be pleasing to me but because of my temple covenants I can receive answers to my prayers of how the Lord would have me handle His precious children. 

I leave a challenge with you. If you do not have a current temple recommend because of choices that have been made, simply change. Seek out the people who can help you make those changes and get to the temple. You posterity is depending on you for the blessings that comes from a sealing. If you haven’t been to the temple in a while, simply go. Study the covenants, their meaning and associated blessings. As you do so I have faith that you will see an increase of the spirit and a feeling of empowerment as you are on the road to creating an eternal family. 

I invite you to read the following article about covenants and ordinances to better understand why they are necessary:

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/07/understanding-our-covenants-with-god?lang=eng

Be Committed!

How can you have a personal commitment to your new-found family life?

Let’s say that now you are married, the honeymoon is over, life is back to the normal daily routines and reality and sunk in.  Maybe you’ve already had a child or two and life is probably busy. Not only is it busy but maybe you feel it’s a little to predictable, to mundane?   Let’s talk about how to keep committed when it may be a bit harder than you thought.

I had a family member who married, then had two children and after about 5 years divorced. When speaking to him about his reason for divorce he said, “she (his now ex-wife) wasn’t fun anymore. We really didn’t do anything together, we lost interest in each other and it got to the point where I didn’t look forward to coming home from work so one day I just stopped. I stopped being committed, I stopped loving her and I stopped wanting to be a husband. I wanted to have fun. I was young and I felt like I was missing out on living it up in my 20’s. I thought there was more out there and I wanted to experience it all.” This family member went on to say that had he understood the consequences of his actions and the future costs, both temporally and spiritually, he probably would have sought help to get over the hurdles in his personal life and marriage. 

I think it’s safe to assume that most marriages experience times of so called “fun” and long stretches where everyone is just trying to survive. How do we get through those surviving stretches without giving up? I think it begins with faith. 

Faith that you and your wife and the family you have created are apart of a bigger picture, a bigger plan. Faith in your ability to change the way you might be viewing your life and marriage. If you are struggling, have real conversation with your spouse. Not one that says, “We haven’t gone on a date in a while. Let’s go out this weekend” and expect a single date to fix things. If you notice your spouse seems distant from you, ask what’s going on and then just listen. Simply listen. Don’t defend yourself or make excuses if she or he makes it sound like you’re the problem. Understand that it takes humility and being brave to really open up to someone and pour out your heart. 

Maybe things are beyond your control. If this is the case seek counseling from a professional or spiritual leader. Ask for support, love and prayers from family members. You don’t have to give all the nitty, gritty details of your problems to your family members, but you can simply ask for them to be patient with you and love you through your growing process. 

Take a few steps back in your marriage and rediscover what you had in common in the first place. Was it religion? Was it individual interests? Was it politics? How about educational goals? Think about what it was and have simple conversations about the topic you both love. Then grow from there. Allow those mutual interests to serve you both once again. Life isn’t about one big party all the time. It’s about these small little moments that add up to something grand. Something that fills in the big picture. 

Most importantly, don’t run away from your spouse. Swallow your pride and run towards them. Make an effort to kiss each other each day. Serve each other each day. Show excitement when your spouse comes home from work. Have faith that God is cheering you on. He wants you to succeed. He wants your marriage to be a blessing in your life. He wants to help you. Don’t loose faith. Recommit yourself to making the marriage work, even if in the beginning you are the only one putting forth any effort. It’ll be worth the sacrifice in the end. 

If you have a few extra minutes I invite you to check out the following link:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-and-family-matter-everywhere-in-the-world?lang=eng&_r=1&langDeng

Hard Times Are Here- What Do I Do Now?

Sometimes life just isn't fair. Sometimes we bring trials upon ourselves and other times we experience trials because of other peoples choices. Some of our hardest trials may come in our marital relationships. When hardships arise, how are you supposed to hold a marriage together?

In the book Successful Marriages and Families, Nathan L. Lamber who authored the chapter on strengthening marriages during hardships spoke about the term “sanctification of marriage.” This refers to each spouse perceiving the marriage as being holy and sacred. Understanding your marriage to be something that is holy and sacred can completely change your view about how you proceed in times of trial. 

May I suggest that you have regular prayer with your spouse, especially in times of need. Prayer is a time for you to invite the influence of the Holy Ghost into your marriage and it can serve as a witness to help you understand the Lord’s will for you and your spouse. In speaking of prayer, President Thomas S. Monson said he received the following counsel from his marriage sealer on his wedding day; “May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can’t pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward on another.” What great advice for any of us.

I can testify that kneeing together, on bended knee, makes a difference in my own marriage. Every night my husband and I make it a priority to say our prayers together as a couple. There have been times when we are not happy with each other but knowing that before we lay our heads down we will be saying our prayers together really makes a difference on the reactions I choose to have. When we do say our prayers, often times those feelings of anger and frustration disappear during those simple prayers. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks talks about the power of prayer also. He states, “If you are already descending into the low state of marraige-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony. 

One other piece of advice I have for you is to pray for your spouse. Pray to understand them, pray to love them and pray to see them as Christ see’s them. I have no doubt that as you turn to the Lord in prayer and invite him to be apart of your marriage and are willing to humble yourself your marriage can become a crowning blessing throughout eternity. 

I invite you read or listen to the following talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. His words teach an important sermon for anyone who might be thinking that marriage is too hard and who may be contemplating divorce. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng

The Two Most Important Qualities in Marriage

If I had to sum up the secret of successful marriages in two words I would choose the words to be repentance and forgiveness. 

For years I had a little old piece of paper hanging on the fridge that read, “Be quick to say “I’m sorry.” I think that simple piece of advice is what has save my husband and I from long drawn out, unnecessary arguments. 

Repentance and forgiveness go hand-in-hand. You can’t really seek forgiveness without offering repentance. In marriage, or any relationship that is valued, it’s imperative to learn how to desire repentance and seek forgiveness from those whom you have offended. 

Throughout the course of a marital relationship change is inevitable. Change comes in all forms from physical to emotional to spiritual to financial. All of us change throughout a course of a life time and hopefully we are seeking to change for the better. Change is often good. It means we are progressing, moving forward and developing into the person we desire to become. Sometimes we make choices that impact not only ourselves but our dear family members. When those choices are less than ideal it is necessary to seek a change of heart and ask for forgiveness from those who might have been affected. Elder Dallin H. Oaks said regarding change and forgiveness, “The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. Repenting means giving up all of our practices- personal, family, ethnic, and national - that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change.” Our ultimate goal is to be eternal companions with eternal families. Change through repentance and forgiveness is necessary. 

What happens when you are deeply hurt by your spouse? What happens when you don’t feel like they deserve forgiveness? What do you do when their personal choices impact that rest of your life? Sadly these are questions that many, many couples have to face. There is really only one way to right a wrong. The answer is found both in offering forgiveness and seeking repentance. No marriage should be found void of these two things. Elder Richard G. Scott explained, “The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magi solution, no simple balm to provide healing nor is there an easy path to the compete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal.” We may not understand how he has this capacity to heal but when we truly seek Him and offer our burdens up to Him, no matter how heavy they may be, anyone can find and feel the cure only He can offer. 

If your marriage is struggling, seek repentance and forgiveness. If you are holding on to past hurt, let it go through repentance and forgiveness. If you want to have that spark back in your life with your spouse find it through repentance and forgiveness. 

I challenge you to speak openly with your spouse about how you can keep your marriage strong and offer forgiveness quickly- be the first to offer it and you will soon find that forgiveness is offered to you when you most need it. 

Check out this site and see videos of couples around the world who have offered forgiveness, sought repentance and saved their marriage. https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/topics/love?lang=eng

Families Are Essential in the Plan of Salvation

There is no denying it. Families look much different than they did just a generation or two ago. Family situations have changed and traditional families are not so popular anymore. “The distortion and eventual loss of the doctrine of the eternal family is no doubt a part of what the Prophet Joseph Smith was describing when he observes, “Our Father in Heaven organized the human family, but they are all disorganized and in great confusion” (Watson, 1971, p. 530) The loss of the doctrine and covenant of eternal marriage has confused the great majority of the inhabitants of the wold concerning the eternal nature of the family and has led any to believe that such relationships are not part of God’s plan for the salvation and eternal destiny of His children.” (Judd, 2012, p. 337)

Families are necessary here on earth. They are necessary for our eternal salvation as well as a necessary unit for societies. Societies are successful when families are successful. Our economic stability and spiritual progression depend on the creation of such families. 

In God’s plan of salvation families are essential. “At some point, those who supported “the great plan of the Eternal God” (Alma 34:9) were promised that they would have the opportunity and responsibility to live in and perpetuate family relationships.  We also learned that each of us would have missions to perform, such as being a son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife, mother, or father. We learned that understanding and fulfilling these roles was a part of our divine destiny. President Joseph F. Smith reminded us: “To do well those things which God ordained to be the common lot of all man-kind, is the truest greatness. To be a successful father or a successful mother is greater than to be a successful general or successful statesman. One is universal and eternal greatness, the other is ephemeral.” (Judd, 2012, 338)

We can from family units in the preexistence and now have the obligation and privilege to continue in families here on earth. We could not progress without such families. We can begin to enter a state of gratitude towards our family members and thank them both silently and publicly for the role they play in helping us to progress here in earth and then return back to our Heavenly Father once again. 

Imagine what a different would it might be if we didn’t take our family members for granted. If we displayed love and compassion on a regular basis for them and made them the top priority in our lives. I challenge you to take a step back and look at your spouse and children from a bigger perspective. Look at them as the helpmeet by which you are able to return to your father and receive salvation. Look at them with love and treat them as such. 

Some Final Thoughts

So this will be my last post for now about marriage and families. If you look back to the beginning you’ll see we’ve taken a journey and learned everything about how to prepare for marriage all the way though how to avoid divorce and over come challenges in a marriage. I didn’t only write this blog because it was a school assignment but I wrote it because I strongly believe that families are under attack and we must stand up and defend the family or our communities, our societies and our nations will fail. If the family fails, it won’t be long until nations fall to the earth. 

A short twenty years ago the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued The Family: A Proclamation to the World. If you haven’t read it, I invite you to visit this website and read it in its entirety- https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng. 

I echo the words of Elder. M. Russell Ballard when he said, “I call upon members of the Church and on committed parents, grandparents, and extended family members everywhere to hold fast to this great proclamation, to make it a banner not unlike General Moroni’s “title of liberty,” and to commit ourselves to live by its precepts. As we are all part of a family, the proclamation applies to everyone.” 

We each have a responsibility to establish a maintain families as the Lord would have us do. No matter what our family looks like, if it is a family of one or one hundred, we can defend the principles of The Proclamation and defend families. 

How do you defend marriage and family in our day and age? Allow me to give you some ways in which you can share the joy that comes from being apart of an eternal family. 

First off, I encourage you to use social media as a means to defend families. There is no need to be abrasive or degrading to others that may not share you views but you can do simple things like share talks about the importance of families. You could designate Friday’s as “Family Friday’s” and share a special memory you have from your childhood that displays the positive memories of growing up with two parents who loved each other and reared their children in righteousness. Or you can share ways once a week that you are creating memories for your own family and children.  

I would invite you to share your personal testimony of families when you are involved in a conversation with someone who supports and maybe even encourages non-traditional families. If you share your thoughts and have the spirit with you, there is no need to worrying about offending your friends. 

Finally, I invite you to build your own personal testimony of the sacredness of marriage and family. Study the scriptures to find patterns that the Lord has established for families. Study the words of the living prophets who are inspired to teach us the patterns and thoughts of our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. Be willing and humble enough to change things in our own life that might be preventing you from a temple marriage or sealing. If you need to change the way you treat your spouse or children, be willing to change. Allow the Lord to work miracles for your posterity through you. Let go of pride, guilt, envy and become the husband and father or wife and mother that creates a harmonious, eternal family. 

I testify that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can change. We can heal abusive patterns, we can become the kings and queens that God intends for us to be. Thank you for sharing in this journey of marriage and family with me. I wish yo the best of luck as you learn of what the Lord wants and needs you to do in your own life.