How to Prepare For Marriage

Just as God intended, we were born either as a male or female. In The Family- A Proclamation To The World, a document written and endorsed by the first presidency and council of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we learn that; "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In order to understand the purpose and role of the male and female in marriage we first must understand the divinity that each role plays. This is part of the process in preparing for marriage. So sit back, relax and lets learn together how we can prepare ourselves for the greatest eternal adventure that we will begin here in mortality.

The idea of marriage today is different that it was 100, 50 or even 20 years ago. For some people marriage might be optional. Maybe they feel marriage would hold them back from being who they really are. Some people might feel that marriage is too risky- people change and they could feel that their spouse will change over time, thus becoming someone they are no longer compatible with. It could be that the example they saw of their parents marriage was less than ideal and they don't want to experience those same heartaches. Allow me to expound on ways to avoid potential problems such as these. 

First off, no marriage is perfectly perfect. Well, nothing in life is really perfect but we can constantly be striving to create something better than what we already have. Let me tell you some misconceptions about how to get ready for marriage. Following are some do's and don'ts of marriage preparation- okay these are the don'ts- we'll discuss the do's a little later. Don't buy into the way of thinking that divorce if an easy option if the marriage doesn't works out. Don't think you have to have it all (i.e. completed education, perfect job, house, car, debt free) before you get married. Don't live with the person you are considering marrying- the statistics prove it's not a good idea and finally don't just hang out to hook up. Learn what it truly means to court someone.

In the book Successful Marriages and Families by editors Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite and Thomas W. Draper we learn that "Marriage...is ordained of God...God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife...Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan." If something is so important to God it should be important to us. Not to mention that if marriage is so important to God, He will provide a way for us to succeed if we do our part to prepare for such an important decision.

Let's get back to ways in which to prepare for marriage. First off stop hanging out and start to actually court or date. Date lots of people so you get to know lots of different personalities. Work on yourself to become attractive to someone else. Take ownership of your choices and take care of yourself. This will help to make you more attractive to someone of the opposite sex. Learn to communicate and communicate clearly. Learn how to love and how to be loved. Seek help from outside sources if necessary to help you achieve these things. Use your time now to prepare to financially support a family. Attend school and look for work opportunities that will give you experience in a choice career. Have clear and realistic expectations of the type of person you want to marry.

Above all else, I urge you to follow the counsel of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He stated, "Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril."

In the words of my grandfather, "Think about the type of person you would want to marry and then become the person someone like that would be attracted to." 

What makes a successful serious relationship?

So we've discussed ways in which you can prepare for marriage. Let's take a few minutes to learn the basics of serious relationships and what makes them successful.

Knowing whom to date and when is important, for dating leads to the biggest decision of your life. "President Thomas S. Monson, speaking of his decision to ask his future wife for a date, said, "That decision, I believe, was perhaps the most important decision that I have ever made," Speaking of the marraige decision, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry." (Hawkins, et al.) Before you can make this most important decision you first have to learn how to have a successful serious relationship.

It takes faith to move forward and leave the past in the past. If you have hesitation about marriage or serious relationships find out where that hesitation is coming from. Ask yourself these questions- Have I been hurt in a past relationship? Have I learned to not be able to trust? Have I seen to many examples of failed marriages? Am I scared to commit? These and other poignant questions can help you come to grips with any personal issues you may have and then you can work on solving them before bringing baggage into a relationship. The best person to start addressing some of these hard questions is your Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through the His atonement that wrongs can be made right. It is through the atonement that you can heal and change. It will take effort, sometimes tremendous effort, and humility on your part but if the changes that take place prepare you for a better eternal companion it is all worth it in the end.

Lets start from the beginning. To begin a relationship first you have to meet someone. Take time to get to know the person you are interested in. Learn their likes and dislikes and see if you have things in common. If at first glance you appear to be a good match it is probably time to transition to the build-up stage. This is where an official date comes in. According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks, the following three things define a date, "planned ahead, paid for (by the man), and paired off." These dates are where official relationships begin. This is a good thing!


If after a few "official dates" things are looking good you can assess the health of the new relationship by understanding whether it is immature or mature love. According to the book Successful Marriages and Families, there are different characteristics that help a person understand healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Immature or unhealthy relationships who promote feelings of possessiveness, jealousy, infatuation, preoccupation and anxiety. The behaviors of each individual might consist of selfishness, lust, clinging, over-dependent and demanding obedience form the partner. Does sound like a very pleasant relationship, does it?

Now compare those traits with the following traits of a mature or healthy relationship. In a mature relationship you would find lasting passion for the other person, a desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment. You would understand that loves means, commitment, trust, sharing and sacrifice. All of these feelings and emotions would create an opportunity for positive growth and development. This sounds like a much more stable relationship in which to preside.

If you're in a relationship now and it could be described using the words from the list of unhealthy relationships I would invite you to reassess the purpose of the relationship, use your communication skills to express your feelings and concerns and if it's better to end it and move on the sooner it's done the better. "If it is right to break off a relationship, how can that be done so as to cause the least hurt? The family proclamation principles that lead to successful marriages can be applied to relationships that do not proceed to marriage; the principles of prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, and work seem especially appropriate." (Hawkins et al.)


Keep your goal for an eternal marriage in mind. You cannot obtain that eternal plan for yourself by staying in a relationship that you know is not going to lead you to your eternal spouse. Continue to date. Pray for guidance in your dating decisions and allow the Lord to work through you in finding that future eternal spouse.

Creating a strong foundation for marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball stated, "While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

Marriage is not perfect, nor was it ever intended to be. However, there are some fundamental processes that can be learned to create a strong foundation for marriage.

John Gottman who is a leader in understanding marriages and who has done the research with thousands of couples to figure out why some marriages last while others dissolve taught some basic principles of successful marriages. Gottman taught that couples are best off when they are friends first. This builds trust and understanding prior to romantic feelings. Become friends with a future significant other first. Learn to enjoy their personality and learn how to have fun together before anything too serious arises.

Another great piece of information when trying to build a solid marriage foundation is to understand what a covenant marriage is. Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the seventy taught, "When trouble comes, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. they marry to obtain benefits and will stay on ly as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to five and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other." Understanding this concept will ensure a solid foundation in your marriage.

Learning to be completely dedicated to the Lord, your spouse and your covenants will take work. It takes preparation now if you haven't married and if you are already married it will take humility because it involves changing. Some traits that most of us need to work on with ourselves is learning patience. Patience with others, especially our spouses. It wouldn't hurt to master communication skills that will help to resolves differences in a healthy manner. Learning to listen, truly listen can go a long way in any relationship but especially a marital one. Another way to build that strong foundation is to commit to courting your spouse even after marriage. The dating and fun times don't have to stop. In all essence, this is when the fun beings.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught, "The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life or occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." Another important concept to building a lasting bond.

Your marriage is not something that can ever be taken for granted. It is your commitment, your covenant. It is yours for eternity- treat it as such.

What is Equality in Marriage?

What is equality? Are men and women supposed to be equal?  Does being equal mean we’re identical? Finally, when is it okay for men and women to accept their differences?

There are obvious traits that men and women possess that make them physically different. Our physical bodies are built different and for good reason. In The Family- A Proclamation to the World we learn that “All human beings-male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” From this statement we learn that our gender was apart of us long before we came to this earth and it will remain with us when we pass into the eternities. 

Each gender has roles and responsibilities that come more naturally to them. It is our privilege to learn, grow and master those roles as we experience mortality. Gender began here on earth with Adam and Eve. The bible teaches that Eve was to be a “helpmeet” to Adam. Does this mean Adam was in charge and Eve was supposed to serve as his servant or inferior? I don’t think it does. When you look at the word helpmeet it actually means someone who is a companion or equal to us. When I think of companion I think of a equal partner who is there to offer sustaining and support in a particular companionship. If we truly understand the term “helpmeet” we can bring this term into our marriage and allow it to serve us in our relationship. 

I’ve been married for over seventeen years. I am not a formal marriage counselor nor does 17 years of marriage give me the authority to say how your marriage should be but there are a few things I have learned along the way. 

I’ve learned that an equal partnership does not mean that both spouses have to be the same. I don’t want to be my husband and he doesn’t want to be me. This is a good thing. I also don’t feel that I have to make the same amount of money my husband makes. Nor should he make the same that I make. I think we should be rewarded according to our education, experience and work ethic no matter what field we choose to go into. There is not a job here at home that he feels he is exempt from preforming because he is simply a man. Nor is there a job I refuse to do because I am a female. However, I don’t like to kill bugs and I am more than happy to call on him for that when needed. If I did need to kill a bug I would and if he needed to empty the dishwasher he would. Equality in marriage is about mutual respect for one another. It’s about accepting that you each are different with different talents and capabilities. It’s embracing these differences not competing against them. When this is accomplished the sacred role of a man and woman in marriage is exemplified.  

Divorce and the Lasting Implications on all Family Members

I think it’s safe to assume that everyone knows of someone who has been affected by divorce. I was privileged enough to grow up in a home where my parents remained married for the extent of my childhood. However, about six months after my own marriage my parents mutually agreed that they did not have much in common anymore and there lives had gone in directions different enough to merit dissolving the marriage. I knew my parents marriage wasn't perfect but I never expected that they would call it quits after 25+ years of marriage. 

In regards to marriage the Lord taught, “But from the beginning of the creation of God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9). The Lord made it clear of His exceptions of a married man and woman. I think cleaving goes both ways, just as a man needs to leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, the wife needs to do the same. She needs to be willing to cut the apron strings and stick by he side of her husband. A scriptural account of this is found in Moses. Because Eve partook of the fruit she would have to leave the Garden of Eden. This act would leave Adam alone, without a helpmeet in that garden. The Lord commanded Adam and Eve to remain together despite Eve’s choice. Thus setting the example of the need for us to work out the problems in our own marriage. 

With that being said President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “There is now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague amines us is not of God.”  Elder Dallin H. Oaks commented on divorce saying, “Because of the hardness of our hearts, the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced persons to marry again.” In addition Elder Oaks taught that, “when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it.” Can there be “just cause” to end a marriage, a temple covenant? If so, what is considered “just cause”?

Elder James E. Faust said, “In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant. Over a lifetime of dealing with humans problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to definitely state what is “just cause.” Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious that a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.” 

Non of us have the ability to judge a couples reason for divorce. However, if this is something you are seriously contemplating, I would suggest you seek help from professionals in trying to save your marriage. Which ever you decide, the implications of your choice can last for generations. 

I do not have the authority or right to judge my parents decision to divorce. However, I know from a child’s standpoint the effect in can have on children, no matter the age. A covenant is not something to be taken lightly. Making and keeping the covenant comes with promised blessings. Breaking the covenant comes with promised consequences. May you be in a place worthy of receiving spiritual guidance on such decisions. 

Staying True to Your Covenants After Marriage

Let’s face it, no marriage is perfect. No matter how smart or righteous you think you or your spouse is you going to have trouble more than once throughout your marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point in your married life you question your decision on why you married this person in the first place. Let me begin this post by sharing a sacred experience I had long ago. 

Let me take you back to March of 1999. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a short time period (about 4 months) and everything was going great. We had a lot in common, we laughed a ton and tried hard to spend every available moment together. Changes were coming up though and we needed to see if this relationship needed to become more serious or if it was best to part ways. I was only eighteen at the time and was still in my first year of college so I knew I had a lot of time to settle down. However, my boyfriend was finished with his mission and looking to move on to the next stage in life which was marriage. I knew I loved him, I could see myself with him in the future but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to settle down and move towards marriage. He was leaving the area we were living in to continue his schooling and this would put us in a place of a long distance relationship which neither of us were interested in doing. We decided to pray about whether or not we should marry. We each took sometime to ourselves to contemplate this decision. My contemplation consisted of pondering, fasting and finally prayer while his consisted of some of the same things along with temple attendance. We agreed that we would meet back up together in a few days to discuss our personal feelings. I knew this was probably the most important decision I would make in my life, thus I didn’t take it lightly. After a long day of fasting and pondering I knelt down by my bed side and prayed that if I was to marry this person the Lord would give me a clear and distinct answer. An answer that I would never have to question. My life was changed that night. I knew for a fact that Brandon was indeed who I should marry. The answer was clear as day and came immediately after my prayer was ended. There was no denying what I had felt. This answer would prove to be a blessing for years to come. 

Despite being true in our desire to marry and have a successful marriage how do we continue on to stay true to our covenants after the marriage is over and reality has settled in?  We know the statistics on marriage and sometimes they are grim. We knew that temptations arise in marriage and that too often sacred covenants are broken for many different reasons. We knew that infidelity in marriage occurs. Elder Richard G. Scott warned, “Intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside of marriage because they undermine His purposes. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm.” Not only does infidelity play a huge part in divorce but it also has a traumatic impact on the spouse and family. Infidelity also serves as a public health issue, spreading sexually transmitted diseases. Infidelity can be due to choices in viewing pornography, objectification of the opposite sex, overemphasizing the visual perspective of what our spouse should look like, and overemphasizing what our marital sex life should be like.  If you struggle with any of these things that could lead to infidelity, I highly encourage you to seek professional and spiritual help before it becomes out of control and your family ends up suffering unnecessary consequences. 

Let’s discuss ways to stay true to your covenants. May I suggest that first you set boundaries for yourself in the work place and where you spend your time socially. Know what is appropriate and what is not. If you feel like you can’t tell your spouse who you’re confiding in or spending your time with then that is probably a red flag. Keep the flirting to just your spouse. Become accountable for your actions and takes step to correct behaviors if necessary. Build a bank account of trust with your spouse and strive to strictly only make deposits in this account- no withdrawals. Offer both repentance and forgiveness if necessary. Finally date your spouse regularly. Focus on the positive things about your spouse, offer patience and gratitude for who they are and don’t give up on each other. 

During hard times in my own marriage I have had to go back to that sacred night when my answer was in the affirmative when asking if Brandon was the right person to marry. I have had to rely on that answer to get me though tough times. I will be eternally grateful to my Savior and the Holy Ghost for that sacred conformation.   

Why Are Temple Covenants Important and What Role do They Play in a Marriage?

Being worthy to marry in the temple is no small feat. It takes a life time of preparation, sacrifice, repentance and endurance to be worthy to be sealed for eternity in one of God’s holy temples. Being sealed enables a couple to be bound to each other not only during this life but into the eternities. 

First off, please understand that a temple marriage does not equal a perfect marriage. There is no “perfect marriage”. It is through the institution of marriage that offers each spouse the ability to learn Christlike attributes as they humble themselves, give of their time unselfishly, show compassion towards their spouse and so forth. A temple marriage does not guarantee a perfect family either. It cannot guarantee perfect children or a sorrow free mortal experience. What it can guarantee is hope. In speaking of raising children who have been born under the temple covenant, the prophet Joseph Smith stated, “when a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” Elder Orson F. Whitney taught, “The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were His before they were yours - long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fullness of knowledge brings the fullness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.”

While we cannot control the choices our spouse may make or the choices of our children, we can control how we react to those choices. We can also control our personal commitment to keep the sacred temple covenants we make ourselves. Elder Todd D. Christofferson said, “I urge each one to qualify for and receive all the priesthood ordinances you can and then faithfully keep the promises you have made by covenant. In times of distress, let your covenants be paramount and let your obedience be exact. Then you can ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you saying, “Here am I.” What a great blessing our temple covenants can be if you choose to remain worthy of those blessings. 

In my own life I have been blessed with the knowledge and empowered with grace which has allowed to call down the powers of heaven to help me through trials with my spouse and children. I have firm faith and belief that as I continue to make sure that keeping my covenants is paramount in my life, I will be endowed with the ability to have love and compassion towards my family as I watch them navigate through their mortal life. I know some of their choices will not be pleasing to me but because of my temple covenants I can receive answers to my prayers of how the Lord would have me handle His precious children. 

I leave a challenge with you. If you do not have a current temple recommend because of choices that have been made, simply change. Seek out the people who can help you make those changes and get to the temple. You posterity is depending on you for the blessings that comes from a sealing. If you haven’t been to the temple in a while, simply go. Study the covenants, their meaning and associated blessings. As you do so I have faith that you will see an increase of the spirit and a feeling of empowerment as you are on the road to creating an eternal family. 

I invite you to read the following article about covenants and ordinances to better understand why they are necessary:

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/07/understanding-our-covenants-with-god?lang=eng